Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Inside the Purgatory (aka The Purgatory 2)

I'm not hungry sweetheart, she told him, and he shrugged it off. Food was beginning to repulse her. Where had the days gone when he would enjoy ever meal she cooked, even though it was thrown together in the dorm? He seemed so distracted, so not himself. He hadn't cut his hair in a very long time now. Didn't he care anymore? How he looked, how she looked?

She stood in front of the mirror, analyzing herself. The jeans and the baggy t-shirt made her look fat, she decided. She stripped off those incriminating layers and stood there, staring. That was it. The moment she was slimmer and more beautiful, Rob would start paying attention to her again.

A few days later, she almost leapt through the ceiling with joy. He'd noticed her! All right, so it was only to tell her that her hair needed correcting, but at least that much. Of course, he hadn't cut his in a longer time - no doubt he was going for a new look. She'd spent the day as usual, missing school and its activity. But she understood, they didn't have the money at this point in time for her to continue with her education. So, prosaically, she decided to go for the haircut, and waited anxiously for Rob to return.

His eyes were glazed. He hardly even looked at her. She couldn't blame him, really, she was getting fat. She hadn't had the time to look up an Atkins diet, and besides, a tailor made one cost so much money. She just decided to reduce the amount she ate. After all, with her activity levels begin so low, she didn't need many calories anyway.

Finally, some attention! They would have a whole weekend to themselves. Oh! It would be just like before! They hadn't even had a proper honeymoon, just stayed at home, but they were starting early and had to save up and not spend. He'd told her that today too, and she was determined not to disappoint him.

Slowly, her stomach stopped asking for as much food, but it still seemed to her that she ate too much. He forgot all about her birthday ~ which had passed by that weekend, and told her he had 'work'. She wondered if there was another woman, and wept buckets. Not in front of him though. So when he told her it was for them, their future, she had agreed, praying desperately that that was the case.

He bought her chocolate and roses to make it all better. There was a dinner they had to go to, and she would come, wouldn't she? His career depended on it. Of course she would, and she dressed in an evening gown of silver and light, and dazzled all whom she spoke to that day. She ate tit-bits, and firmly clamped down on the nausea. There was no way she was going to betray Rob in front of all those others, and she was sure his boss would be around. Fat and pompous in his business suit. There she was, slim and beautiful. Instinctively, she looked down at herself, and decided to go on a crash diet. There was just too much fat on her!

She couldn't help it, all that foul food was in her body. In her body! She felt like screaming. The roses were strewn all over the bedroom, and she brought out what she had eaten the evening before. How she had held it in so long was a wonder. But she was feeling tired, and weak. He made her coffee and went to his perfect boss, with the education, and the body and the brains and everything else that she did not have.

She could no longer move much from her bed, but she cooked for him. Soon, I'll be perfect. She promised herself. Soon. She felt weak, and Rob was too worried that she wasn't eating. Of course he didn't want to be bothered with her, he would rather go to that shedevil at work. She gritted her teeth and told him a lot of things about a doctor that he was only too happy to believe.

The months flew by, a blur of grey and white spotches, with nothing in them but food - for Rob, and bed - for herself. She'd missed her third monthly and when Rob asked, she told him it usually meant pregnancy. He seemed happy. Was he happy to be rid of her? He hadn't touched her for longer... Could he believe that she was... She was... She couldn't bear to think of it.

She had to become thin and beautiful again. To be otherwise would be unthinkable. And he had drifted away because of her sins. Her defects. It was all her fault, because Rob wouldn't have moved an inch if he hadn't been pushed away.

Only a short while longer, she told herself. This is my purgatory. Only a short while longer. This is my purgatory.
This is my purgatory
This is my purgatory
This is my purgatory
This is my purgatory
This is my purgatory
This is my purgatory
This is my purgatory
This is my purgatory
This is my purgatory
This is my purgatory

Note: Here is a bit about Anorexia. And a cartoon / movie I liked on it is here. And no, not a RL experience. And that's no one I know either. And there is a Part 1 to this - the previous blog.


Blogger Kini said...

Inventive dialogue, intense thoughts and a beautiful flourish at the finish. Though at times I believe you relied a bit too heavily on the mama's health website for your story, then again it never hurts to be true to life.

Explore newer angles, "the workaholic husband ignores self-conscious wife" line of thought, just doesn't seem to hit a cynic like me hard enough. Then again... I am a cynical prick :).

P.S: The cartoon scared the shit out of me!

1:56 pm GMT-7  
Blogger Camphor said...

Kini, no mama's website. I have a friend who is tryign to kick the habit, and worry has been gnawing at me for a long time now.

I looked it up when I heard for it a couple of months back. The linkies were for those who still didn't get what I was talking about. And a little information never hurts.

Yup, it's way too sterotyped. I agree. Was wondering if I should change it, but I decided to write something else entirely. Liked the previous one better though. This one... was a bit to stretched. Like too little butter scraped over bread. *shrug* oh well, we live, we explore.

Teh cartoon, yeah, scared me too. Saw it today while hunting for the information site. Man, it scared me. Promptly went and had some chocolate. *g*

6:23 pm GMT-7  

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