Sunday, June 19, 2005

Lament of an Addict

Substandard in every way, my self esteem took a blow. It wasn't even me. There are things that happen that take a person to new levels of low. It does not happen to me, I have never fallen in love, nor have I had a crush that I can recall. Or perhaps, unrequited it stands still, unaknowleged so that I may insist that - no, I was never hurt, never had another cuased me pain. It was all my doing, and it's absurd, for me to take this world on my shoulders.

I'm addicted to my pain, there is no other expalnation for it's continued presense in my mind. It is the same issues I alwas saddress, and never do I listen to the rational myself.
I'm on a roll of words, and I don't really know what has occured. My freinds are hurt and I ache, (for them, and with them) while another part of me contempously speaks - why not find your own pain? Why must my life be spent in secondary pain? And yet, I have not the courage to face my life and it's struggles and take the pain. How much easier it is to just stand there and watch, and perhaps lend a shoulder if it is asked?

Lament of the Addict

While on the computer I spend the entire day
I would do with this ever-night as I may
I’ve seen beyond forever in my mind
Sadly, nothing is a surprise of any kind.

I expect this twist of fate is to be expected
This life was supposed to be respected
But see, truth is, I have no time for others
And with me – well, no one ever bothers.

I have read of sweeping emotional changes
And a landscape of killing love and saving rages
But with this one little sigh, I must declare
I’ll die as I have lived without any fanfare

Like plague I’ve avoided coffee and tea
There was the fear that they’d addict me
Now I notice what I never thought I’d assume
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

~*~*~*~

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